Ryan Jon in an Australian Radio Host & Podcaster has a story to tell. On Mother’s day each year he puts out a message to find his biological mother. Watch this heartfelt story of love for adoption and the person who gave him life.
See more at Facebook.com/RyanJonOnline
Video Credits: Joie De Vivre Media and executive producer, Benjamin Clapper, present “I Lived on Parker Ave.” as its first short documentary.
This fall the StandUpGirl.com Foundation welcomed a new member to our board of directors. We want to take this opportunity to introduce our newest team member, Alan O’Kain, and his wonderful and unique family. This family is a living example of the beauty of adoption.
Alan and his wife, Victoria, have been supporters of StandUpGirl.com for about 6 years and are frequent guests at our Portland area events. Originally from California, Alan and Victoria both have a background in law. This background proved useful when, about 10 years ago, they decided to pursue adoption. They each individually had a heart for adoption, and now married, with 6 biological children between them, they had the resources to pursue that calling.
During these past 10 years they have welcomed 5 children home from China. Paul, now 15, was the first, followed by Jude, Lulu, Luke, and Harmony. The children were all a bit older, and knew no English, when they joined the family, making adjusting to a new country and culture difficult. Many arrived with only the clothes on their back, and with a variety of health challenges. Some had nearly aged out of orphanage care in China. With a loving and stable home, where they are promised “we will never leave you”, they have blossomed. And where it is has been possible in meeting the kids academic challenges, the O’Kain’s have enrolled their children in Christian schools, to help in pouring God’s love into their lives. “It’s been quite an adventure”, say Alan and Victoria, but they feel “blessed to have the opportunity to do this.”
The O’Kain’s would also like to offer some encouragement and advice for those interested in pursuing adoption. Alan says “God will give you the energy and resources to help you do it,” and Victoria advises getting a mentor who has previously adopted to help navigate a process that can be long and difficult.
Will more children be joining the O’Kain family? Victoria says it’s always a possibility.
We are so excited to have the O’Kain’s as part of the StandUpGirl.com Team. We hope you have the privilege of meeting them someday, possibly at one of our future Portland area events.
True love for your child is knowing what is best for them and giving it to them, no matter the sacrifice to you. I heard that somewhere – on TV, or in a book maybe. I didn’t ever think I could love someone that much – so much that I would do anything for them, sacrifice my pain for their happiness. Until I became pregnant.
It was a one-night stand, not something I am proud to admit. When I found out I was pregnant, I told the father, and he said he would be there for whatever I decided. I didn’t know what I wanted. I was living with my parents still, in a job I didn’t like, only 21 years old. I didn’t want to be a mother like this. I believe in a two-parent home, with stability – emotional stability and financial stability. I made an appointment for an abortion, but canceled a day or two prior, feeling that this was a living being inside me who deserved more than to be suctioned into a bio-hazard bag.
Shortly after that I decided on adoption. It seemed natural to me. I am very black-and-white in my thinking, and I believe that helped with my choice. I made a list of why to parent, and why not to. I started working with a local adoption agency about four months into my pregnancy, and by eight months I had a family picked out.
Throughout this process, the father showed his true colors. He was not a man of his word, and he was simply selfish. As of 2005 in Alberta, the birth father has equal rights to the child. He basically vetoed his rights throughout the pregnancy by disappearing from his house, his job, etc. But, when it came to the birth, and time to sign the consent, he did cause some drama because he was having second thoughts. This twenty-four-hour tension reinforced how much I wanted my little girl to grow up with the family I had chosen for her.
It was difficult to be pregnant and working in retail. Strangers would ask me questions, normal to them, but awkward to me. “Do you have your nursery done?” “Is the father excited?” “Do you have names picked out?” My answers were one-word, and often lies. Yes, I have the nursery done, when really I sometimes long to pick out baby items in the children’s store and dream of my child’s room. Yes, the father is excited, when really the thought of him makes me sick. No, I don’t have names picked out, because the one I have chosen for her may not be hers. I felt bad for lying, but howcould I tell them something so delicate? I might cry, they might be upset, and it would be inappropriate and awkward.
Finally, I gave birth to my beautiful baby girl. During my hospital stay I had my daughter stay in my room, as I wanted to care for her during the few days I was there. I wanted to change her diaper and bottle-feed her and hold her while I could. My family was worried this would sway my decision against adoption, but it only reinforced to me that I was making the right decision for both of us. My sisters and parents spent time with us, saying hello to my child, and good-bye. My parents actually spent the entire three days with me, as I was scared to be alone, not knowing how to parent. When I visited my daughter’s new family to place my child with them, it felt natural. It also felt as though a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.
They did keep the name I had given her as her middle name, which is so important to me. It is a part of her. And I believe she will feel all the more love, knowing how special her name is, that it came from both her birth mom and her parents.
I did not expect the roller coaster of emotions to come. I knew there would be grief, but I just had no idea. The first few weeks were traumatic. I would cry randomly, waking in the middle of the night even, to sob, while my father rubbed my back until I fell asleep. The emotional pain felt so physical. I literally felt empty. Empty arms. Empty belly. Empty heart. I wanted her back with me so bad. My mother told me, “This is when you need to think with your head, not your heart, to really know what is best for the both of you.” I did do counseling afterwards, with a psychiatrist and a therapist, which I would strongly recommend for anyone facing this challenge. I needed help dealing with the grief in all its stages: jealousy, anger, sadness, etc.
Time did heal the wounds. I could go out in public without having a panic-attack, go back to work, hang out with my friends, and basically move forward with my life. I was able to go back to school, get a career, and I have recently moved out of my parent’s house. I’m growing up, and growing into an adult life. It is sometimes hard to see my sisters having children and being in a part of their lives, where I am not. But playing with my nieces and nephews also shows me how thankful I am that I chose adoption. That I am not ready for those responsibilities, I am not ready to be a parent. Not then, and still not now.
I had chosen an open adoption, which I am so grateful for. I had a few visits during the first year, and one on her second birthday. I love seeing her. Knowing she is in a safe, happy, loving home. Knowing she is healthy. I do talk on the phone every few months with her parents, and they send pictures. Some people believe that an open adoption is confusing, and selfish, but I think not. She will know who I am, that she was loved, and there will be no confusion. Her parents are honest with her, as with her adopted brother, about where they came from and why. There are no secrets. She even has a photo album I gave her of pictures of my life, who I am. I send them pictures to add to it every year. As time goes on we plan on one or two visits per year. And still cards, pictures, and phone calls, every few months, and on special days. When she is older, it will be what she wants, visits or not.
When colleagues or new friends ask, “Do you have kids?” I say no. Because in honesty, I had a child, but I do not have one. As I get to know them, if they feel safe, I might tell them. It is something so sacred and delicate to me, it is hard to share. If I don’t get the response I want (I’m still not sure what that is) I am hurt and embarrassed. It is hard for a lot of people to understand. People without knowledge, or experience, in the area often assume it doesn’t hurt, because it was my choice. In the beginning of my loss, even I would question why I was upset about it. Of course, I do feel that I will be honest with my future husband, and my children, as it is part of my life, and therefore part of theirs.
Eric and I were married in the fall of 2001. Five years, two rounds of IVF, and one miscarriage later, when it was still just the two of us, we decided to move ahead with the adoption process in the hopes of expanding our family. We filled out lots of paperwork, met with social workers and doctors, and were approved to be adoptive parents in the fall of 2006. Several months passed without any news.
Then, in January of 2007, we received a phone call from our adoption agency. There was a birth mom who wanted to meet with us! So, on a very cold evening in early February we went to the agency and met with Maria and her dad, Karl. Maria was only 16 at the time, and her mom had passed away the previous year, so she really was not in a position to care for her baby boy, due in the beginning of June. After talking with her, we prayed about it and felt that God was calling us to stand by and encourage her, as well as possibly adopt this baby.
Maria asked me to be her birth coach, so we went to birthing classes together! Eric and I made several visits over the next few months as we waited for the baby to arrive on the scene. We chose a name together with Maria. We readied the nursery and all we would need to bring baby home. However, while the father of Maria’s baby did not want the responsibility of caring for a child, he also did not want the baby to be put up for adoption. He was a teenager as well, still in school, and wanted his mother or Maria to care for the baby. We weren’t sure if he would show up in court to fight the adoption, but we still felt God’s hand in the situation and we wanted to continue to be a part of Maria’s life.
The big weekend finally arrived! At 40 weeks, Maria was induced. Twenty-six hours later, through an emergency C-section, baby boy Caden made his way into the world. He was beautiful! All the nurses on the baby floor assured us that he really was the most handsome baby there…and we believed it! We spent five days at the hospital, helping Maria as she recovered from her C-section, and spending time getting to know this beautiful, amazing little boy that we hoped would one day be our own!
We brought Caden home from the hospital and spent the day with him before bringing him to his foster parents’ home. They would be taking care of him until everything was official. We kicked things into overdrive, making sure that we had everything we needed to bring this baby home. In the meantime, Caden was staying with a great foster family! They loved him and took great care of him.
Several months later, we finally had the court hearing. Caden’s birth father did protest the adoption, to the point that several times Maria was ready to give up and give in. However, when we went to the court hearing, the judge ruled that Caden’s birth father had “failed to assume significant parental responsibility” in parenting Caden and so involuntarily terminated his rights. We finished in the courtroom just after 5 pm and then headed to the foster parents home to pick up Caden. We had a placement ceremony there, where Maria symbolically gave Caden to us.
That was over two years ago now. Caden continues to grow and learn – about himself, his surroundings, and his family. We have an open relationship with Maria, and we live fairly close to each other, so we get to see her throughout the year. We send pictures, Caden’s artwork, and letters to her on a regular basis, as well as birthday and Mother’s Day cards to her. In every way that counts, Maria has become family to us. She made an amazingly difficult sacrifice in allowing us to raise her child, and we are thankful every day for her, and for the opportunity that we have been given to be parents.
We may have waited much longer than we originally planned to start our family, but this little boy was definitely worth that wait!! We love our family of three and can’t wait to hopefully add another child to our lives through adoption sometime soon!
“We prayed for this child and the Lord has granted us what we asked of Him.”
~ 1 Samuel 1:27