Adoptive Parents
Every young girl plays with baby dolls, dressing them, diapering them, and whispering softly in a language that can only be understood by the feminine gender. And almost always, the baby doll has a girl’s name. It’s part of who we are. We dream of having a little girl of our own. I had the same dream as a child, but I never could have imagined that it would be fulfilled through adoption until thirteen years ago. Now not only do I have a beautiful daughter, but I know and love the young woman who gave birth to her. Our arrangement is known as an open adoption.
Today, open adoption is a much more common thing. At the time of my daughter’s birth, I really didn’t know what OPEN meant. Should children know they are adopted? Would she be confused by knowing her birth family? Would we share parenting responsibilities? I quickly received answers by asking professionals in the adoption field. No, my daughter would not be confused by knowing her birth family, because she would always know that she was adopted, just like she would know she has aunts, uncles and cousins. She would come to love her birth family because they are part of who she is. And no, we would not share parenting responsibilities. Open adoption is a final and legal commitment that does not allow birth or adoptive parents to change their mind or to co-mingle parenting responsibilities.
My daughter was born in our local hospital, and her birth mother invited me to be there with her. This isn’t always the case, but my daughter’s birth mother was very generous in her willingness to include me in everything. She felt comfortable with me because we had known each other for many years. In an open adoption, the birth family chooses the adoptive family. What a privilege to be chosen! After delivery, birth mother and baby shared one day together in the hospital before the case worker came to witness the signing of the adoption papers and we left the hospital to start our new lives. The memories of that day are bittersweet. So much joy and so much pain rolled into one. No one can underestimate what a difficult day this is for any birth mother. I know that the assurance that she was doing the right thing is the only way birth mom could get through it.
After leaving the hospital, our daughter’s birth mother was always welcome to visit. Once again, that is not always the arrangement. Visitation is something that is discussed prior to the baby’s birth and decided by the birth family and adoptive family. Some birth mothers choose not to have direct contact with the adoptive family. They would rather communicate through an attorney or possibly an adoption agency. Our family is probably at the opposite extreme. Our two families share the bad times (illnesses and death) and the good times (holidays, birthdays and weddings). There are a variety of options; the families can choose whatever feels right for everyone involved. Over the years the amount of contact we have varies because life is always changing for all of us. Sometimes we see a lot of each other and other times, not as much.
As I look to the future, I am optimistic that the careful and creative plan made by my daughter’s birth mother will only be a benefit to all of us. Of course, my daughter has questioned why she was adopted – any child would. But because of an open and honest approach to adoption, her questions can be answered truthfully and her future is bright!
Adopted Children
I have an amazing life. I am in the eighth grade at a private Christian school where I play basketball and take flute lessons. Almost every year, I get to experience new places on vacations with my wonderful family. This life was a gift to me from my birth mother. You see, I was adopted.
I have always known I was adopted. It was just a common thing in my family. My parents have always been very open about my adoption, and they answer any questions I ask. My birth dad was gone before I was born, but I can see my birth mother pretty much whenever I want – we go to a lot of football games together in the fall. She’s not a mother figure, and I don’t call her “Mom.” My adopted mother is my mom. My birth mother is more like a friend. I love them both.
When I was young, I didn’t really think much about the fact that I was adopted. As I grew older, however, I started to have more questions about the huge decisions that my birth mother and adopted parents had made for me before I was even born. For instance, my older half-sister and younger half-brother live with my birth mother – why did she choose to parent them and plan an adoption for me? Why does my family have to be so much more complicated than my friends’ families? Between the ages of ten and eleven, I felt confused and angry as I grappled with my identity as an adopted child.
My parents were patient and loving toward me through this hard time, and they helped me to see that God had placed me in this situation for a purpose. I still don’t know the full purpose, but I do know that otherwise my mom would never have been able to have a daughter of her own, for medical reasons, and she had always wanted a daughter. Also, life would have been much harder for my birth mother if she had kept me, and she would not have had the time or resources to give me the life she wanted for me. I still have questions sometimes, but I see now that my birth mother definitely made the right decision.
I would encourage anyone considering adoption to look into an open adoption. In open adoption, the birth mother is not involved in raising her child, but she can see her child on a regular basis. Every person and every situation is different, though, so you should pray about it and make the decision that you think will give your child the best life possible. I know my birth mother did.
FAQs
Closed adoption (also called “confidential” adoption and sometimes “secret” adoption) is the process by where an infant is adopted by another family, and the record of the biological parent(s) is kept sealed. (Often, the biological father is not recorded—even on the original birth certificate.) An adoption of an older child who already knows his or her biological parent(s) cannot bemade closed or secret. This formerly was the most traditional and popular type of adoption, peaking in the decades of the post-World War II Baby Scoop Era. It still exists today, but it exists alongside the practice of open adoption. The sealed records effectively prevent the adoptee and the biological parents from finding, or even knowing anything about each other (especially in the days before the internet). However, the emergence of non-profit organizations and private companies to assist individuals with their sealed records has been effective in helping people who want to connect with biological relatives to do so.
Adopted Children
My mother was raped. Patti was walking home after a long night shift at the mill when two men brutally attacked her in the early morning gloom. Several weeks later, Patti discovered that her nightmare was far from over. She was pregnant.
Patti’s family was horrified that Patti was carrying the child of one of the monsters who attacked her, and they pressured her to get rid of the tragic accident. Abortion was not only legal, but even socially acceptable in the case of rape. For Patti, however, abortion was not an option.
After nine months of nurturing this unexpected new life in her womb, Patti gave birth to a baby girl. But Patti never looked into her newborn daughter’s eyes or stroked the baby’s soft skin. The nurse immediately whisked the child out of the room and out of Patti’s life.
Patti had made the most selfless decision a woman can ever make. She put me up for adoption. My mother knew she couldn’t care for me or give me the life she wanted to give me, but she believed that someone else could.
My adoptive family consists of two big brothers and the most loving mom and dad I could ever imagine. My adoption was never hidden from me. My parents told me that I was born just for them so that I could be the daughter they had always wanted.
Now I am married and have three children of my own. I am grateful every day for Patti’s choice. Without the selfless heart of an amazing woman, my life and my family would never have existed.
Kristy
Adopted Children
My story is not all that unique. After all, a lot of children have been adopted. I just want to share the incredible gift adoption has been in my life.
As an adopted child, I never felt that my birth mother had abandoned me. Instead, I have known my entire life that I was an answer to my parents” prayers. I was chosen. I was cherished. I was the only child in my class who had both parents at every single function I was ever a part of – from school programs to track meets. Most of my friends wanted my parents to adopt them! I always felt just a bit more “special” than anyone else who was not adopted. My parents always treated me and my two adopted siblings as precious gifts in their lives.
I was adopted in 1962, during a time when all adoptions were “closed.” Because of this, I never knew much about my birth mom or dad. And yet, I have always felt a deep connection to my birth mother. Of course, I was completely in love with my parents. I can”t even begin to put into words the depth of love I have for my mom and dad. But when I looked in the mirror at age 16 (the age she was when she gave birth to me), I knew beyond any doubt that I looked exactly like her. I can”t explain why… I just knew. I was able to meet her later in life (at age 32), and I discovered that I actually do look exactly like this amazing woman.
Now I consider myself to be twice blessed. I have the love of two mothers – one who gave me life, and one who gave me a wonderful, loving home. I am so grateful that my birth mother was brave enough to give me life and then to let me go into the arms of my adopted family. I know that, despite my beginnings, I was meant to be here. My life has made a difference – not only for my parents, my two children, my friends and other family members, but for the thousands of children whose lives I have touched through my life”s work. Today I am the CEO of a non-profit counseling and assessment program that also provides support for foster care in our region.
No, adoption is not abandonment. It is the most courageous, loving act any human being can offer another. It is the gift of a chance at a better life.
Kara
