by DianaNloves | FAQs
Closed adoption (also called “confidential” adoption and sometimes “secret” adoption) is the process by where an infant is adopted by another family, and the record of the biological parent(s) is kept sealed. (Often, the biological father is not recorded—even on the original birth certificate.) An adoption of an older child who already knows his or her biological parent(s) cannot bemade closed or secret. This formerly was the most traditional and popular type of adoption, peaking in the decades of the post-World War II Baby Scoop Era. It still exists today, but it exists alongside the practice of open adoption. The sealed records effectively prevent the adoptee and the biological parents from finding, or even knowing anything about each other (especially in the days before the internet). However, the emergence of non-profit organizations and private companies to assist individuals with their sealed records has been effective in helping people who want to connect with biological relatives to do so.
by DianaNloves | Adopted Children
My mother was raped. Patti was walking home after a long night shift at the mill when two men brutally attacked her in the early morning gloom. Several weeks later, Patti discovered that her nightmare was far from over. She was pregnant.
Patti’s family was horrified that Patti was carrying the child of one of the monsters who attacked her, and they pressured her to get rid of the tragic accident. Abortion was not only legal, but even socially acceptable in the case of rape. For Patti, however, abortion was not an option.
After nine months of nurturing this unexpected new life in her womb, Patti gave birth to a baby girl. But Patti never looked into her newborn daughter’s eyes or stroked the baby’s soft skin. The nurse immediately whisked the child out of the room and out of Patti’s life.
Patti had made the most selfless decision a woman can ever make. She put me up for adoption. My mother knew she couldn’t care for me or give me the life she wanted to give me, but she believed that someone else could.
My adoptive family consists of two big brothers and the most loving mom and dad I could ever imagine. My adoption was never hidden from me. My parents told me that I was born just for them so that I could be the daughter they had always wanted.
Now I am married and have three children of my own. I am grateful every day for Patti’s choice. Without the selfless heart of an amazing woman, my life and my family would never have existed.
Kristy
by DianaNloves | Adopted Children
My story is not all that unique. After all, a lot of children have been adopted. I just want to share the incredible gift adoption has been in my life.
As an adopted child, I never felt that my birth mother had abandoned me. Instead, I have known my entire life that I was an answer to my parents” prayers. I was chosen. I was cherished. I was the only child in my class who had both parents at every single function I was ever a part of – from school programs to track meets. Most of my friends wanted my parents to adopt them! I always felt just a bit more “special” than anyone else who was not adopted. My parents always treated me and my two adopted siblings as precious gifts in their lives.
I was adopted in 1962, during a time when all adoptions were “closed.” Because of this, I never knew much about my birth mom or dad. And yet, I have always felt a deep connection to my birth mother. Of course, I was completely in love with my parents. I can”t even begin to put into words the depth of love I have for my mom and dad. But when I looked in the mirror at age 16 (the age she was when she gave birth to me), I knew beyond any doubt that I looked exactly like her. I can”t explain why… I just knew. I was able to meet her later in life (at age 32), and I discovered that I actually do look exactly like this amazing woman.
Now I consider myself to be twice blessed. I have the love of two mothers – one who gave me life, and one who gave me a wonderful, loving home. I am so grateful that my birth mother was brave enough to give me life and then to let me go into the arms of my adopted family. I know that, despite my beginnings, I was meant to be here. My life has made a difference – not only for my parents, my two children, my friends and other family members, but for the thousands of children whose lives I have touched through my life”s work. Today I am the CEO of a non-profit counseling and assessment program that also provides support for foster care in our region.
No, adoption is not abandonment. It is the most courageous, loving act any human being can offer another. It is the gift of a chance at a better life.
Kara
by DianaNloves | Adoptive Parents
When our son was born, I was there. This is not unusual in itself, as most mothers are present when their children are born. I’ll never forget the emotions of the moment, the overwhelming surge of love, and the terror of just how much of a responsibility it was to guide this tiny, new-birthed person through the years to become a good man. The only unusual part is that I watched his birth from behind a thin curtain. For I am his second mom. His First Mom couldn’t”t give him the stable home she wanted him to have, and so she gave him us instead. And easy choice? Not by any means. But a loving one.
Her journey towards adoption started in high school. She had to write a research paper on abortion. And through that process, she decided that if she ever had an unplanned pregnancy, abortion could never be an option for her. She just couldn’t do that to her child. And so, two years later, when she found herself pregnant and very much alone, it wasn’t an option. She had just two choices: parent alone, or place for adoption. It didn’t take long for her to make a choice. And by the time she was 12 weeks pregnant, she’d made up her mind. Adoption.
She moved in with friends of her parents, and asked if they had friends who would adopt her baby. She didn’t want to pick strangers from a book – she wanted people with history, people she could really get to know. And that is how I got a phone call, the memory of which still brings tears: “Our friends’ daughter is pregnant, moving in with us, and looking for someone to adopt her baby… are you interested?”
And so we met. Over the next weeks, we spent time together – not really talking about the future, but just getting to know each other. Then we sat down together with our friends and talked about every aspect of this possible adoption: what kind of contact would we have? What if the baby had medical problems – did we still want to adopt? We spent a few hours talking, and then she gave us the little shoes that the pregnancy center gave her when they confirmed her pregnancy. They symbolized the baby (a boy – she was sure from the beginning) and she’d had them on her dresser as she waited for him. As she gave us the shoes, she said she wanted us to wait for him too, and be his parents. Yes, there were more tears.
So over the next five months we spent about two days a week together. We went to the zoo and shopped for baby clothes. We went to doctor appointments with her and were there when ultrasound revealed that he was, indeed, a boy. She put headphones on her belly and played a C.D. of us singing and reading children’s books. We tried for months to find a name all three of us liked. I rented a super-strength breast pump and starting pumping. (The human body is amazing – after several weeks, I was producing colostrum and, with the help of a Lactaid, was able to breastfeed him – even though I hadn’t given birth!) And we ate a lot of chicken together (no pickles and ice-cream cravings, thank goodness!) We reassured her that it was o.k. to change her mind about adoption. We would be o.k. if she did. She was only obligated to make a decision she could live with –not to us. She reassured us that she wasn’t going to. She could hardly take care of herself – there was no way she could give him the life she wanted him to have: And besides, she still had things she wanted to do before she raised children. No, she wasn’t going to change her mind.
And so we were there when he was born, and after a few minutes with him, she gave him to us for an hour, still covered with the mess of birth and wrapped in hospital blankets. It can’t have been easy for her, but she asked us, believing it would be best for him that the mother who bakes the birthday cakes and throws the parties can also tell the birth story first-hand. And then we went home and left them for their first day together. The next day, Saturday, she called and asked if we wanted to come see him and meet her mother, who had flown in the night before. We went in for an hour, and left them for their second day. On Sunday, when he was about 50 hours old, she signed the adoption papers and we took home our son.
We did a lot of e-mailing at first. She moved back to her home state, and started classes in the fall. I needed to know that she was o.k. and she needed to know he was o.k. There were some fierce emotions on both sides. It wasn’t easy, and I’m sure I hurt her in the process of trying to find my identity as mother. But it has worked out really well. As I became secure in my role as Mommy, I wanted her to be involved – to know about his milestones and special moments. She is an amazing, brave woman, and should be an important part of his life. We had a great visit between the families when he was nearly 2, and I hope there will be more. We live far apart now, but continue to stay in touch.
Knowing her, and walking this path has changed my heart towards open adoption. It isn’t something done out of obligation, but love. I love my son, as does she. And I believe he deserves to know the full story of who he is. And his first mother (he calls her “Aunt”) is part of that story. She’s not his Mommy – I am. But she is still his mother, and gave him not only the gift of life, but his quirky grin and her mother’s wide feet. I don’t want him to wonder about the questions that can haunt adopted people. I want him to ask – any of us – and be given loving, truthful answers.
When I became pregnant, she sent me a wonderful card, excited that he was going to be a big brother. And when I had my second child, something else about adoption made sense to me in a new way. Love isn’t a limited quantity that must be removed from one in order to be given to another. I have two children. One is first, the other is second. Stating their order in no way implies their importance; my love for both is equal, profound and beautiful. If I can love two children, my son can love two mothers. And he should – we both love him.
by DianaNloves | Birth Mothers
I can still remember the look on Karla”s face at this moment! Not a lot of adoptive mothers get to watch their baby be born. It was such a wonderful feeling. It felt really good to do something so wonderful for them. I gave them the best gift anyone could ever give: The gift of life! That night Emily and I spent the night in the hospital together. I told her that I was going to be giving her to very special people that would give her a better life than I could have given her. It was a very hard night but we made it. The next morning I handed her to her mother and father and I could see that they were so happy and so full of love. I knew at that moment I had made a very good choice.
My name is Kathryn, I was 21 and I had a 3 year old little boy. I had gotten pregnant and the dad didn’t want the baby. I knew that I couldn’t take care of another baby all by myself. One was hard enough at that time. I wanted to keep this baby so bad! But that would have been selfish and unfair to all of us. So I had been thinking about adoption but I kept putting it off. I really didn’t want to have this baby and then give it up for adoption and never see it again, so about 3 weeks before I was due my sister told me about her friends who had been wanting a baby for so long. So I agreed to meet them. I met Karla first and really loved her! She was the sweetest person ever, and was so excited that I was gonna give her my baby. She told me that they would keep in touch with me as the baby grew up and that the baby would know who I was. This was really what sold me on them being her parents. I would get to see my little girl grow up and to make sure she was as happy as could be.
I spent the next 2-3 weeks living with them. We were getting so excited to have this baby! Well, that day finally came on May 31, 2003. I had told Karla that she could watch the birth, and I think this was a GREAT choice. Not a lot of adoptive mothers get to watch their baby be born. I can still remember the look on Karla”s face at this moment! It was such a wonderful feeling. It felt really good to do something so wonderful for them. I gave them the best gift anyone could ever give: The gift of life! They named her Emily Anne. She was such a precious little girl. That night Emily and I spent the night in the hospital together. I told her that I was going to be giving her to very special people that would give her a better life than I could have given her. It was a very hard night but we made it. The next morning I handed her to her mother and father and I could see that they were so happy and so full of love. I knew at that moment I had made a very good choice.
The first year of her life was very hard for me. I felt weird about calling to see if I could see Emily, but that soon passed. I saw Emily when she was just a bit over 1, but then I moved to Illinois to get a better life for me and my son (who knows about his little sister). We have been doing very well here. I am married now and have 2 more boys. We all went last year in August to see Emily. She was introduced to her brothers, but bless her heart she wasn’t quite able to understand yet. She is going to be 5 years old in May, and I am proud to say that she has grown into a wonderful young lady. She is such a great kid! Karla and I talk almost everyday. We have a very wonderful relationship! My parents even get to see Emily from time to time, and I am glad of that. Karla and Russell are such wonderful people. Their hearts are so big! I am so glad that they are taking such great care of our little girl. I really don”t think I could have picked a better family for her, and it”s nice knowing that Emily knows I am her birth mother. I couldn’t be more happy with how things worked out and for the life I chose for my little girl.
