The future can seem overwhelming when you first find out you are pregnant, especially if you also have to struggle with the hard decision between adoption and parenting.There is so much to do to prepare for the birth of your child, so many factors to consider. Take a deep breath, and let us walk with you through each step as you make your decision and plan for your baby’s birth.
I started dating my boyfriend when I was fifteen years old. When I turned sixteen, I was pregnant. Some people say they didn”t know they were pregnant or they couldn”t tell, but I knew the moment it happened. I was terrified. I mean I was only sixteen, and what sixteen-year-old wouldn”t be scared? At first I kept telling myself I probably just had a stomach flu. I was too scared to take a pregnancy test so I never did. I told my boyfriend as soon as I figured I was. He was scared too.
My whole life I always said that if I ever became pregnant it was my own fault and I would not get an abortion. The truth is, the moment I knew that I was pregnant, abortion was the first thing to pop in my head. I was just so scared. I talked to my boyfriend about it and he told me that I shouldn”t do it and reminded me of my convictions.
I prayed and cried almost every day. I was miserable and scared. I had morning sickness for three months. I secretly hoped that if God did not want me to have this baby, I would have a miscarriage. One month went by, then two, then four, and I was still pregnant. I was small the whole time, but by the fifth month I could feel the baby moving inside me. It was so weird, and it finally became real to me. I had another life inside of me and was living for another person.
I knew that I could never keep him, though. I loved my baby so much already, and I knew I needed to give him the best life I could. I knew a sixteen-year-old “child” could never raise a baby the way it needed to be raised. My boyfriend really wanted to keep our baby, but I talked to him and he realized he couldn”t raise a baby any more than I could.
Finally, six months rolled around and my mom finally noticed and asked me what was up. I broke down and told her. She was furious. She yelled at me called me stupid and even went as far as to say “now you can”t even get an abortion.” It crushed me. My dad came in and hugged me and told me he would support me in any decision I wanted to make. I told him adoption and he just said “Okay.” My boyfriend”s family and my family all supported me, but I still didn”t want anyone else to know, so for the remainder of my pregnancy I stayed home.
I found what I thought was the perfect family through a Christian adoption center, but two weeks before my due date they informed me that the family didn”t want to adopt anymore. I was devastated. I didn”t like any of the other families and I didn”t know what to do. I prayed and prayed that God would show me the way and let His will be done. Then, when a social worker showed me the profile of another family, I knew deep down that was the right family for my baby.
Two days before my due date I gave birth to a 6lb 11oz 21in baby boy. I instantly fell in love with him. I always knew he was a boy, and I loved him before I met him. I couldn”t hand him over to his new parents, so I left the hospital empty handed and let my mom give him to them. The new parents urged me to have an open adoption because they loved me, too, and wanted me to be a part of his life. I agreed. I signed the papers and the next day we hung out all day. It made me happy to see this family love my baby as much as I do. I knew he belonged to them.
Now his family and I have a great relationship. I still see them and they send me lots of pictures. I love their three daughters and get along with them really well. I know this was a win, win, win situation: I live a good life, my baby has two parents to love him and support him, and his family got the baby they wanted so badly. My boyfriend and I are still together, going on three years, and every day I thank God for the blessinghe has given us and the new family we have gained. I believe that our baby was the best mistake I ever made, and his adoption was the best decision I ever made.
Brittany
I was eighteen, a newly single mom. I had no job, no home of my own, and I was pregnant for the second time. A second child was nowhere in my plans. I was struggling to take care of my first – how could I also care for another child? We moved into an apartment with a roommate early on in my pregnancy. I had no idea what I was going to do.
I told my mom I was pregnant, and we talked about my choices. I told her abortion had briefly crossed my mind, but I couldn”t do that. She agreed. Then my mom mentioned that our long time family friends wanted to adopt a baby. They had two sons, and they very much wanted a daughter. We had known the family since I was about two. We had stayed in contact sporadically through the years, but it had been some time since we last talked to them. Even though I very much wanted to ask them to adopt my baby, I felt weird about calling them up out of the blue with such a huge proposal. From that time on, though, it was my heart”s desire that they would somehow adopt my baby.
I didn’t know much about adoption at that point. A girl in my high school who was pregnant at the same time I was pregnant with my first child had shared with me that she and her boyfriend were going to release their baby through an adoption. I opened a phone book and made some calls. I ended up choosing an agency that promoted open adoptions. Through the summer, I met several times with a gal from the agency. She explained the process so I would know just how everything would happen.
Toward the end of summer, it was time to start the selection process. I received three large binders filled with pictures of each prospective adopted family along with one-page autobiographies they had written about themselves. From these hundreds of short autobiographies, I was to choose three families. A first, second and third choice. I would meet one family at a time, then choose my child”s family. The task was overwhelming. I had just a couple weeks to pour over them, and really I kept thinking of our family friends…
I did finally make a choice, but the night before I was to meet with the gal from the adoption agency I flipped through the pages of those notebooks one last time. I still wasn”t sure about the families: they looked nice, they all had the values I was looking for, and, yeah, out of all the families I had to choose from, they were it. I closed the books. It was getting late.
I was surprised when my mom called just a short time after I had made peace with my choices. She told me she had just come home from dinner with the family that had been on my heart for so many months. She told me that she and my dad had shared with the family that I was planning to release my child for adoption. Our friends went home to talk about it, then called my parents to tell them that, if I would let them, they would like to adopt my baby. Tears streamed down my face as my mom spoke. For me that moment was a miracle. They didn’t know tomorrow was the big meeting day, the day I was to choose my baby”s family. They didn’t know that God had just answered my prayer.
So, my baby had a family. We spent the next few months working out the details and getting to know each other in these new roles we would play in each others’ lives. There would be an agreement about what kind of contact we would expect from one another. I had to decide how open I wanted to be. They had to decide how open they wanted to be.
I knew the family really wanted a daughter. One day before we knew if I was having a boy or a girl, I asked Della (the mother) if she would still want to adopt my baby if I was having a boy. I was worried. Della answered that she wanted to adopt my child nomatter what. I was relieved, but I so wanted my baby to be a daughter for them.
On Christmas Eve, I was in Florence celebrating with family. We were up late that night preparing the house for Christmas morning. Just at midnight, I had a contraction. Ten minutes later, I had another contraction. Ten minutes later, another. We quickly got on the road to make the 60 mile trip back to Eugene. The trip was slow going, but we made it in time to get to the hospital. My baby’s family was at the hospital, and Della was in the room with my mom and me when our daughter was born at 7:30 Christmas morning.
After meeting their new daughter, the family left me alone with the baby. We were together until the next day. Then it was time to sign papers. I was surprised to read that there was a six month trial period before the adoption was final. I didn’t remember talking about that. That was a scary moment, but the adoption agent reassured me that it was very unlikely that there would be any problems. I signed the papers believing that all would work out and my daughter would grow up in a loving home.
After signing the papers, we all went out to the parking lot together. My mom and I got into the car together. My baby’s family stood together with their new daughter as we drove away. That was a hard moment – I still cry when I think about it. I knew it was the right choice, but it hurt deeply. Joy and pain twisted together in my gut until I could hardly breathe.
I was able to visit my daughter for the first time in her new home a few days later. That visit was a blessing, as all our visits have been. My heart is filled with joy each time I think of my daughter and her life.
Every young girl plays with baby dolls, dressing them, diapering them, and whispering softly in a language that can only be understood by the feminine gender. And almost always, the baby doll has a girl’s name. It’s part of who we are. We dream of having a little girl of our own. I had the same dream as a child, but I never could have imagined that it would be fulfilled through adoption until thirteen years ago. Now not only do I have a beautiful daughter, but I know and love the young woman who gave birth to her. Our arrangement is known as an open adoption.
Today, open adoption is a much more common thing. At the time of my daughter’s birth, I really didn’t know what OPEN meant. Should children know they are adopted? Would she be confused by knowing her birth family? Would we share parenting responsibilities? I quickly received answers by asking professionals in the adoption field. No, my daughter would not be confused by knowing her birth family, because she would always know that she was adopted, just like she would know she has aunts, uncles and cousins. She would come to love her birth family because they are part of who she is. And no, we would not share parenting responsibilities. Open adoption is a final and legal commitment that does not allow birth or adoptive parents to change their mind or to co-mingle parenting responsibilities.
My daughter was born in our local hospital, and her birth mother invited me to be there with her. This isn’t always the case, but my daughter’s birth mother was very generous in her willingness to include me in everything. She felt comfortable with me because we had known each other for many years. In an open adoption, the birth family chooses the adoptive family. What a privilege to be chosen! After delivery, birth mother and baby shared one day together in the hospital before the case worker came to witness the signing of the adoption papers and we left the hospital to start our new lives. The memories of that day are bittersweet. So much joy and so much pain rolled into one. No one can underestimate what a difficult day this is for any birth mother. I know that the assurance that she was doing the right thing is the only way birth mom could get through it.
After leaving the hospital, our daughter’s birth mother was always welcome to visit. Once again, that is not always the arrangement. Visitation is something that is discussed prior to the baby’s birth and decided by the birth family and adoptive family. Some birth mothers choose not to have direct contact with the adoptive family. They would rather communicate through an attorney or possibly an adoption agency. Our family is probably at the opposite extreme. Our two families share the bad times (illnesses and death) and the good times (holidays, birthdays and weddings). There are a variety of options; the families can choose whatever feels right for everyone involved. Over the years the amount of contact we have varies because life is always changing for all of us. Sometimes we see a lot of each other and other times, not as much.
As I look to the future, I am optimistic that the careful and creative plan made by my daughter’s birth mother will only be a benefit to all of us. Of course, my daughter has questioned why she was adopted – any child would. But because of an open and honest approach to adoption, her questions can be answered truthfully and her future is bright!
I have an amazing life. I am in the eighth grade at a private Christian school where I play basketball and take flute lessons. Almost every year, I get to experience new places on vacations with my wonderful family. This life was a gift to me from my birth mother. You see, I was adopted.
I have always known I was adopted. It was just a common thing in my family. My parents have always been very open about my adoption, and they answer any questions I ask. My birth dad was gone before I was born, but I can see my birth mother pretty much whenever I want – we go to a lot of football games together in the fall. She’s not a mother figure, and I don’t call her “Mom.” My adopted mother is my mom. My birth mother is more like a friend. I love them both.
When I was young, I didn’t really think much about the fact that I was adopted. As I grew older, however, I started to have more questions about the huge decisions that my birth mother and adopted parents had made for me before I was even born. For instance, my older half-sister and younger half-brother live with my birth mother – why did she choose to parent them and plan an adoption for me? Why does my family have to be so much more complicated than my friends’ families? Between the ages of ten and eleven, I felt confused and angry as I grappled with my identity as an adopted child.
My parents were patient and loving toward me through this hard time, and they helped me to see that God had placed me in this situation for a purpose. I still don’t know the full purpose, but I do know that otherwise my mom would never have been able to have a daughter of her own, for medical reasons, and she had always wanted a daughter. Also, life would have been much harder for my birth mother if she had kept me, and she would not have had the time or resources to give me the life she wanted for me. I still have questions sometimes, but I see now that my birth mother definitely made the right decision.
I would encourage anyone considering adoption to look into an open adoption. In open adoption, the birth mother is not involved in raising her child, but she can see her child on a regular basis. Every person and every situation is different, though, so you should pray about it and make the decision that you think will give your child the best life possible. I know my birth mother did.